What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 20:27
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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One cannot live in the past .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
I don,t even have a pension.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I will be 64.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im still living with it.
All the time i was locked up.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was seconnd youngest,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So whats the point in blame.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.